Jealous

I’m jealous of the rain

That falls upon your skin

It’s closer than my hands have been

I’m jealous of the rain. 

I’m jealous of the wind

That ripple through your clothes

It’s closer than your shadows 

Oh I’m jealous of the wind. 

Cause I wish you the best of

All this world could give

And I told you, when you left me

There’s nothing to forgive

But I always thought you’d come back, tell me all you found was 

Heartbreak and misery 

It’s hard for me to say, I’m jealous of the way

You’re happy without me. 

-“Jealous” by labrinth 

This is my new favourite guilty pleasure song.☺️ just because of the meaning and how much I can relate to it. I couldn’t help but go back to the times when we were together. 

And today, when I was asked about the girls that I have dated, you’re the one that popped into my mind. And without much hesitation, I said “yes.. I think that I enjoyed being myself the most when I was with her.” 

So I read an interesting post on thought catalog on people settling for their partners. So this particular story left an deep impression on me. 

The guy had the perfect girl in mind but when there was a chance for him to meet a girl, he went for it. The girl wasn’t his “perfect girl” in mind but they were dating for a while. Up till a time when he wanted to break things off and that was when the girl was suddenly hospitalized due to sickness. He couldn’t break things off with her struggling to recover and that’s when he knew it was time for him to grow up. Grow up in a sense that he should be doing the mature thing and realise that the “perfect girl” wasn’t going to come. Even if he settled for this girl in the past, he should learn to accept her rather than holding out for the perfect one. So he matures…

Months later, the girl was back to perfect health and their relationship was stronger than ever. It grew, grew and grew and before he knows it, he realised that she was all that he wanted. And the surprising thing is, she knew all along that he was settling but chose to hold on to him because she believed that things will work out eventually and it did. 

They are as happy as ever and of course hearing this story, I wish that they can stay loving forever even till time breaks them apart because such love are rare nowadays. 😔

We always think that the perfect one is out there. But why haven’t we stop and think that we should learn and accept and embrace what we see that’s right in front of us. They may not be what you are looking for in a perfect partner but they can be perfect for you. You just have to see it for yourself. 

The perfect partner isn’t there to help us realise what we want in our partner. The perfect partner is there to show you that you can grow as a person. And in the journey together, you can see both of you growing and that’s the beauty of it. 

You will always be my favourite love. 

My words against yours

Today, I finally got things off my chest because it was haunting me for quite some time. I found the courage that I have been lacking and sent out a text to say that it’s over. 

Can someone tell me if I’m in the wrong here? Because I’m feeling that I am not entirely at fault here. But somehow, I just feel bad for what I have done. Is it suppose to feel like that when you’re true to yourself? 

I have known this amazing person for slightly more than a month now and we have been texting and talking day in day out. But lately, I have been feeling like we weren’t meant to be? It’s like somehow when you get to know someone at first, everything is suppose to be interesting because you are just getting to know each other. Then when you hang out more, you get to find out more about that person and that’s when you know if you’re right for each other. Am I wrong to feel that way? 

Everything, and I mean everything that I have done till now, was real. My feelings, my words, none of it is a lie and it never was. I always do things with everything that I have got and that why when I feel that you weren’t right for me, do you think that you’re the only one hurting? 

Saying that I’m selfish and being unfair to you, people always think about themselves first in every situation. Do you think that I didn’t think of that? But how is it fair to you that I keep all this emotions inside of me and never tell you until you find it out yourself. How is it fair to you that you get to keep a person which isn’t half interested in what’s going on in your life anymore. And more importantly, how is it fair to me that I have to keep lying to myself everyday. Do you think I enjoy it? It’s only selfish when I think of myself and not you. If you still think that I’m selfish then so be it but feelings can’t be forced and I know that this is right. 

You can tell stories about me lying or playing with your feelings or even dumping you to find someone better. But deep down, you know that what we had was real; To the both of us. I really thought that we could go on but I guess that things don’t always go the way we want it to. There are things that got me thinking about us and I’m not sure if I could put up with all that. That’s why I feel that we weren’t right for each other. 

One last thing that I would have for you is that don’t go changing yourself. Just because we can’t be together doesn’t mean that you’re not good enough. You will be good enough for someone else who is more suited for you, it’s just not me. 

I just wish that… Things don’t have to end this way. 

Thank you for everything but I guess things have to end for better things to come. 

See the world

Today I did a personality test to tell me the type of person I am, the relationships that I’m gonna have, the career paths that is right for me, all those kind of things. Let’s see if I can remember it correct…

E… N… F… J?

So basically, I’m part of the 2% population in the world and that’s probably all I remember😂 okay I’m just kidding.  Basically, people with this type of personality are good at teaching and nurturing people. Actually I’m not an expert on personality test but if you guys are interested then go to 16personalities to find out more! 

I think this kind of test are great because it sometimes serves as a reminder to you by telling you your personality. But then again these test are only true if you are true to yourself during the test. 

16 personalities. Maybe there’s more than just 16, and frankly speaking I feel that everyone have their own pros and cons. Learning to embrace it and maybe changing your weakness might make you a better person. But no matter what personality you have, love yourself. 

Okay I’m done with my nonsense for today. Take the test if you’re interested to find out about yourself. It will be true if you answer the questions truthfully. And till next time,

Stay happy. ☺️


-empty-

So I choose to run. 

Run away from everything that is real to me. 

I just want things to slow down for once. Maybe I rushed it. Maybe I’m the one who is at fault. I’m so confused… 

So I run. 

From everything that seems real to me

Where do we go

I once thought that I am not afraid of death itself. Just because I think the reason why people is scared is because of their own regrets. I thought that I had none and I was not afraid even if I die tomorrow. But it doesn’t work that way. 

As you guys know, I was diagnosed with dengue fever a few days back and since then I was fighting my battles every single day. Fever bouncing between 38-40 degrees, aching body muscles, coughing, vommit and diarrhea and I had doubts that I couldn’t survive it. 

There are reports of people dying from this and judging from how unbelievably weak I was, I can’t stop that doubt that I might be next. Nights after nights I kept having the same dream that I couldn’t make it and it killed me inside bit by bit. I feel like I was down for the count. 

Everything just wasn’t right and it was dark. I got so shaken up and after that everytime I woke up I was breathing so heavily covered in my wet tshirt. Death is really a scary thing and it got to me that I might just pass on like that. 

I thought that I was prepared. I thought that I was okay. But the truth is every night I still shivers and shake in my covers. The thought, just the thought of death, made my very bones shake. The thoughts of my love ones, my friends, all in tears… It forced me to wake up at 3 in the morning every night that week. 

What if my eyes never did open one day?

Will I have any regrets?

I probably would. 

The view from where I stand

I think every new year, I never fail to receive an angbao(red packet); falling down, spraining ankles, diarrhea and this year dengue fever. It’s only the third day into the lunar new year and I have received the biggest one yet. 

The first night was horrible because I woke up in the middle of the night feeling that my head was going to get fried. I sponged myself and took meds trying to keep the fever down. Woke up at 2 and I think I only slept at 5 in the end. The second day wasn’t much of a picnic because I had to go visiting and the fever wasn’t helping. Although I was wearing a long sleeve and jeans, I still shivers. 

So on the third day, my mum brought me to see the doctor because my fever wasn’t getting any better. He suspected that I have dengue fever and did a blood test to be sure. And sure enough, it was tested positive. He said that I don’t have to go to the hospital yet till the blood test results come back so I guess we just have to wait?

So surviving on having fever for the past three days? Well.. It is chilly and cold. And furthermore I have this person who keeps worrying about me. And although I kept saying not to worry, but the truth is it’s not possible to not worry. I just want to get better soon and hopefully I can be well enough to go out with her again. 

Taking blood test everyday and thinking about the needles and meds… But if those things can help me get better soon, then I say fire away. 

I won’t let this keep me down. I’m a fighter.