The day when you finally get it. 

There will come a day when everything comes in place; all the big and little pieces fix themselves and together they form a perfect picture. As most of you already know, I proposed to my girlfriend not long ago and it was everything that people said it to be. 

Nerve wrecking, surprises, tears of joy; all of these building up to one word. When that word became the most important word in your dictionary, you know that you finally got it; you found the answer that you have been looking for your whole life. 

Many would understand that something so beautiful and precious like this don’t come easy. Sometimes it depends on luck, timing and chemistry. Through failed experiences in love, we gain and bring it forward with us. It shows that you accepted the past and go on to receive the future. However, sadly speaking, that cannot be said for all of us. 

Some of us are stuck in the past and finding it difficult to move on; or rather they won’t let themselves move forward. Most of us have a hard time accepting and moving on because we fail to see how everything could turn for the better, stuck thinking that that was the best they could ever get or deserve. Now I’m telling you that it is not true. 

You deserve better if you wish for better. 

Don’t ever put your happiness in another’s hand; or rather allow people to make you happy but don’t give them the right to take it away. Yes we will be sad, yes we will feel down but that does not stop us from choosing what we think we deserve. If you believe that you deserve to be happy, then who in the world out there can tell you otherwise. 

You make your own choices so learn to live with them. 

It’s been a while since I chose sadness. It doesn’t mean that I would feel sad every now and then or rather I would not allow myself to brood over it for a long time. 

We always deserve so much more. We deserve to be happy. We deserve to make our choices. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and pick up all these shit and move on. 

Onwards to better days ahead. 

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I found the one. 

07/07/2017

That was the day where two hearts got connected as one; the butterflies went out of control; and I got down on one knee and asked the most important question of my life:

“Will you marry me?”

It didn’t take me much effort to figure out that she was the one for me. Every little things just comes together; it just adds up together; slowly but surely that’s how I know that she is the one. 

There so many things I can say about her; kind, sweet, loving, understanding, and the list goes on and on. But I guess the thing I love the most is how well we fit together as one. That feeling when you complete a puzzle; the lyrics to complete your song; the other half of me. 

Both of us been through a lot individually before we met. From the countless heartbreaks and relationships we been through, the missteps that we took, the experiences that we gained and lesson that we learnt; everything that happened brought me to where I am today. I would say that the journey wasn’t an easy one and it sure wasn’t the simplest one but I’m glad I got there in the end. 

Everyone who knows me knows that I’m a helpless romantic. Trying my best to have everything as sweet as possible and keeping the spark between us everlasting. And so when I decided to propose to my girlfriend, I wanted to make it the best one for her. It all started in late May this year and I started with shopping for the ring and planning for that day. Choosing the date wasn’t much of a thought as I decided on 7th July 2017 as our parents had theirs on 8th August and 9th September respectively. 

As I wanted to keep it a secret, I only revealed my plans to a few of my closest friends and people that I needed help from for my proposal. Through a few weeks of shopping and planning, it was pretty hard for me to contain my excitement. I kept it private and intimate with a simple design of balloons, fairy lights, flowers and most importantly the ring. 

In the end, the moment arrived. I told her my feelings and how I feel about us. She was shocked as I took a step back and got down on one knee as I uttered the following words:

“Germaine Chee, will you marry me?

Her face was in total shock which proved how well I hid it from her and it took her a good few seconds for her to reply a resounding “yes“. We hugged and kissed as I placed the over-sized ring into her extremely slim finger. After which we got to our photo shoot and order delivery for dinner. I popped a champagne to celebrate and damn wasn’t that a night to remember. 

To be honest, I think that we are still young and have a long way in front of us. The road ahead may be difficult for us but whenever I feel her presence beside me, I know that I have the strength to carry on. So who cares if the road ahead would be rough and tough for us, as long as I’m holding her hands, I feel that there’s nothing we can’t face together. I guess that’s the power of love. 

And I finally can say it out loud: “I found the one.”

My kind of Love

I wonder what I will be like when it is nearing 30. Waking up in the morning and seeing just an empty bed with you alone but you still get on your feet everyday because you are excited for the day where you ask her for her hand. Planning countless of dates and a proposal to sweep her off her feet but little do you know, she is just waiting for you to ask.

I wonder what it will be like when it is 35. Waking up in the morning, remembering that she went for a work trip and there’s the entire bed to yourself so you just rolled around doing some starfish poses but somehow ending up on her side of the bed just because you have already miss her.

I wonder what it will be like when it is 45. Waking up to the same old pair of eyes just lying beside you and wishing that you can reverse time so that the sun doesn’t have to rise and you never to leave this bed just because you just don’t want to get up. And somehow she have her own ways of waking you up for breakfast but some days, you just wait for her to wake up and slowly reach out to kiss her on the forehead and say a simple good morning.

I wonder what it will be like when it is 65. Waking up to the smell of your favorite breakfast with eggs, ham and bacon all placed on the plates and having her bringing it to you on the bed. So quietly blissful and just makes your heart beats as fast as the time when you first saw her. Still have the feeling of wanting to hold her in your arms and shower her with everything you have left in you.

I wonder what it will be like when it is 85. Waking up to an empty bed and untouched pillow and unwrinkled half of the bed because she wasn’t there anymore. She left you alone to fight and there is nobody there to remind you of your medications because she was gone. But thankfully, she went off peacefully in her sleep and wondering if it will soon be yours.

I wonder what it’s like to live life in that much love. And when you do, I wonder what it’s like to lose it to something as trivial as your body passing through time. It’s heartbreaking that the body can’t last as long as the love between two people. But it’s also kind of beautiful that love transcends physical nature. All we can do is experience it while it’s here and while it lasts.

The pain comes and goes

Why do people like us feel emotions? Happiness, sadness, jealous, surprised, pain… Why do we have so much emotions? I wished that I didn’t have much bad ones and just kept the positive ones next to me. So that I could at least be fine.

Today, I fell down while playing basketball and I bled.  Twisted a bit of my ankle and I thought that was about it. I didn’t realised that my knees were bleeding until I got home. I didn’t feel pain… I didn’t see that coming… Why? 

Pain… There’s so much meaning to it; physically and mentally. But I guess pain, like all the other emotions, make us human. It reminds us that we are alive and kicking. All these emotions are just another way to let us feel that things are real; the pain is real. And the fact that I didn’t feel anything.. Does it mean that I grew numb to it? I’m feeling so much pain that.. I just can’t take in anymore? They say that there is only so much our bodies can take but I hate to think that I am at my limit.

Letting it go shouldn’t be this hard and you made me run around trying to find my answer all these months. I know that it is not possible between us anymore… but I cannot help but to think of the what ifs”I hate myself so much for being so weak while you can be happy and get on with your life.

It is not fair to me when you can distract yourself with so much things happening around you while I can’t. It is not fair that I did not have a choice when you chose to break up with me. It is not fair that when we broke up, I took everything; every good memories, every pictures, every songs, every cafe trips, every movies etc with me. And all you got, you just left it there and brought the bad ones with you. It is not fair that you got over me so easily like I was nothing to you and here I am, still thinking that you are still my everything. 

Someone asked me once if you ever choose to come to me what will be my answer. If everyone knows me better, I would have said no because I don’t believe in second chances; I don’t believe in getting hurt the second time. But I hesitated. In the end, my answer was: “In a heartbeat, I will take her back.” Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice then I am the fool. I was willing to be the fool. I was willing to give up on everything. 

Just to be with you again, but I guess you will just have to be the one that got away.

What makes life valuable is that it doesn’t last forever. What makes it precious is that it ends.

-Its my favorite “The Amazing Spiderman” quote.

Realisation

“Do you believe in Fate?”

In the sea of thoughts, I finally realised that I was just a coward and I needed something like this to remind me that I am actually not that bad of a person. And that she was the one that lost me, not the other way round. I’m glad that she is happy with her current life and of course, I wish her all the best in her future.

Yesterday, I was vulnerable, I was not in the right state of mind and I tried to turn back to what I thought was mine. To my relief, I failed horribly and then I woke up from my supposing nightmare; the one I thrown myself into. She wasn’t the one. Simply because… She doesn’t believe that I am good enough anymore… It makes me wonder if there was ever a moment when she loved me. But whatever~ Hahaha. This is not me admitting that I lost but its the exact opposite. Because when I find the one, I am going to be all that she is looking for and to me, she will be everything I love.

So back to my question of the day…

“Do you believe in fate?”

I don’t believe in fate. But I believe that everything that happens will find its way for it to happen. The universe drops hints and let us experience just so we can grow and everyday is a lesson. Just like this… every single moment and feeling is an experience; a lesson. I won’t regret meeting you and having all these long conversations and just making me smile day in day out. I will remember and bring it with me now along my journey. Thanks for all the kind words you said to me and i wish you well with your journey; as you too deserves to find someone who can love you for you.

The kindest words I ever heard was said by this wonderful stranger. She said that I am one of the most kind and wonderful person that she ever had the pleasure to talk to. And that guys like me are near to extinction. But… there are still someone out there for you too. Cause I still believe that there is someone out there for everyone… You just have to never stop looking until you find him/her.

Find someone who is proud to say that you’re theirs. Find someone who thinks that you’re always going to be enough and all that they have been looking for. Find someone that loves all the quirks and every curve of you. Fall in love every single passing day and just by staring into their eyes, you know that you are everything that they have been looking for.